What Do I Love About Myself?

Originally written: February 8th, 2019

It’s been a challenging month so far. I’ve been moody, depressed, lethargic, lazy, and uninspired. It’s been a challenge to get up in the morning. Swallowing down caffeine after caffeine pill just to push myself out the door.

Why am I sad? Because it’s hitting me how far I still have to go and that makes me tired. It makes tired at the thought of doing all these projects and things and not seeing even a hint of a light at the end of the tunnel. Just a hope and prayer that it’s there.

I had a therapy session the other day.This session was difficult.

I hope for the ah-ha moments in therapy. An unlocking of some sort that advance to another level beyond the one I inhabit now. It’s happened before. Therapy has peeled away layers of past trauma’s that has hindered me and from what I’m learning and what I learned the other day is that a lot of them still are.

My therapist asked me what I loved about myself. I came up that I love that I try, that I am a go-getter. Then, I drew a blank. There was nothing else to pull from as to why I loved myself. He told me to not judge that but accept it because it’s what it is. So, it’s sort of like an ah-ha moment but a sad one for me.

My therapist suggested affirmations and I do them, nightly. But I must be honest, the routine of it has taken the spark from behind the words and they are simply ticked off a mental list as I do my nightly routine. Not to say I don’t cherish it and find it important, it’s just I’m not feeling what I am saying. 

Bae asked me later on what I am grateful for and I stated family, friends, life (which I am!) but he stopped me there. Of course I am grateful for that, he says, but what else makes your life rich and full? What smaller things are you grateful for? 

What if I Fail?

Originally written: April 15th 2019

I cried today. I was fed up and tired and overwhelmed. The book…man oh man this book I’m trying to write.

I feel like a failure. I know it shouldn’t be that way but I have to acknowledge what my feelings are. I feel bad. I feel like I’ll never complete it. I feel like I’ll never love it and that thought makes me sad. As much as the characters frustrate me, just thinking about them somehow comforts me and riles me up.

I’ve grown invested in them. I am invested in them. I’m seeking them. I’m figuring them out. Because as a reader (not the author) I’m completely lost as to what is going on. I can’t predict it. And it’s frustrating because I’m like why not? Why can’t I see this? Has the idea left me? Has it grown tired of my half-ass efforts that it left me behind to intrigue someone else who can actually complete it…?

I want to say no. But thing is I don’t know, truly. I don’t know anything as to what’s to come and it’s scary.

I prayed to God for answers. In any form, I prayed for God to speak to me, to lead me in the direction I’m meant to go because without God, I am lost in this sea.

Right now, I feel unimaginative. Un-seeing. Unaware. It would be nice to see in the future to see which decision is the “right” one.

Lost. But having faith. Always faith because God is so real.

Choosing Me

Note: All old journal entries of mine will be italicized and titled the original date in which I wrote them.

Originally written: March 20th, 2016

This is my first time sharing publicly. I have read many other blogs but I've been too scared myself to actually share that private side of me. However, I decided that today will be different because today, I made the conscious choice to live my preferred life.

This choice did not come easy. I am currently a senior at ____ and in six short weeks, I will be graduating and pushed out into the world. It's such a nerve-wracking thought that I've avoided thinking about it especially with other situations and people filling my head space. The most prominent one being my ex-boyfriend who, until recently, I allowed to hold my happiness in his hands.

Our two year relationship was a continuous emotional roller-coaster of unimaginable highs and lows. He was my first relationship, my first love, my first true best friend. He saw me at my absolute worst. He witnessed my breakdowns, something I always kept hidden from others as to not scare them away. Yet, he would stay through them and I trusted him wholeheartedly because of that. I trusted him to be my rock and thought as long as he was there, I could handle anything.

However, our relationship was mentally exhausting and emotionally abusive. The girl that I am with him is explosively angry, paranoid, and a constant emotional wreck. While I was moving forward publicly, I had came to a halt privately. His emotional abuse and disrespect was taking such a toil on me that I felt like my best self was shrinking. I doubted my abilities, my worth…I doubted me.

I tried my best to hold on to him, my crutch, but it had become so unbearably painful to do so. The man who used to fill me with such joy and love, now filled me with such heart-wrenching pain and it kept getting worse. Therefore, I made the then-choice to leave him and that has been the most difficult choice I have made thus far in my journey. That choice to leave him has influenced my choice today; the choice to be with me. Meaning, I have made the choice to honor myself, love myself, respect myself, and trust myself.

For the past few days, I have questioned what was the point of going on, of trying, if I was going to be alone and unhappy. I had crumbled completely and this morning as I laid on my bedroom floor, my face streaked with tears, I began to envision me, the preferred me, the best me.

I imagined the best me in this beautiful pink sundress, standing a few steps away from me saying, "Come to me. I am never going to leave you. I am always going to be here for you. I am you. Believe in me. Trust in me. Take me."

And then I turned, still laying on the floor, and on the other side of me was my ex. He was laying next to me with his arms wide, waiting for me to roll into them and be assaulted with a barrage of kisses on the face. Yet, next to him, I saw his face-down cell phone. His cell phone was the symbol of the problems, the anger, the sadness, that came with him. When he saw that I noticed his phone, he moved it behind his back... but I know it was still there and it wasn't going anywhere.

At my hesitation, his lips began to quiver and his eyes watered. HIS outward sadness was always the key back to my heart but with him, I already knew what I was getting myself into. With the best me, still standing on the other side, I don't know what to expect. I don't know what comes with being her, the best me. I am scared. I am nervous. I am excited but it's nerve-wracking because I don't know!

I imagined my best self bending down. She didn't get on the ground with me, she simply bent her knees to be on my level because she knows. She's been where I’ve been. She said, "Come on. I am not going to leave you. I need you to stand. I need you to stand for me. I need you to stand for you." And I stood.

I made a choice to be with me. To trust me and to trust in God. To trust that this is all worth it. To trust in this chance because I only need one. This is my one chance and I am taking my one chance by believing in me. I believe I am going to be somebody. I am already somebody. I am great and I will continue to be great. I am going to make great things come to life and all of this pain and heartache will be more than worth it because it made me who I am. Yes, I am scared but I am also excited. Me writing this post to you is me jumping into the unknown. Jumping is scary, especially when you're just laying there, feeling stuck. But I stood and now I am walking to me, the preferred me.