What if I Fail?

Originally written: April 15th 2019

I cried today. I was fed up and tired and overwhelmed. The book…man oh man this book I’m trying to write.

I feel like a failure. I know it shouldn’t be that way but I have to acknowledge what my feelings are. I feel bad. I feel like I’ll never complete it. I feel like I’ll never love it and that thought makes me sad. As much as the characters frustrate me, just thinking about them somehow comforts me and riles me up.

I’ve grown invested in them. I am invested in them. I’m seeking them. I’m figuring them out. Because as a reader (not the author) I’m completely lost as to what is going on. I can’t predict it. And it’s frustrating because I’m like why not? Why can’t I see this? Has the idea left me? Has it grown tired of my half-ass efforts that it left me behind to intrigue someone else who can actually complete it…?

I want to say no. But thing is I don’t know, truly. I don’t know anything as to what’s to come and it’s scary.

I prayed to God for answers. In any form, I prayed for God to speak to me, to lead me in the direction I’m meant to go because without God, I am lost in this sea.

Right now, I feel unimaginative. Un-seeing. Unaware. It would be nice to see in the future to see which decision is the “right” one.

Lost. But having faith. Always faith because God is so real.