What Do I Love About Myself?

Originally written: February 8th, 2019

It’s been a challenging month so far. I’ve been moody, depressed, lethargic, lazy, and uninspired. It’s been a challenge to get up in the morning. Swallowing down caffeine after caffeine pill just to push myself out the door.

Why am I sad? Because it’s hitting me how far I still have to go and that makes me tired. It makes tired at the thought of doing all these projects and things and not seeing even a hint of a light at the end of the tunnel. Just a hope and prayer that it’s there.

I had a therapy session the other day.This session was difficult.

I hope for the ah-ha moments in therapy. An unlocking of some sort that advance to another level beyond the one I inhabit now. It’s happened before. Therapy has peeled away layers of past trauma’s that has hindered me and from what I’m learning and what I learned the other day is that a lot of them still are.

My therapist asked me what I loved about myself. I came up that I love that I try, that I am a go-getter. Then, I drew a blank. There was nothing else to pull from as to why I loved myself. He told me to not judge that but accept it because it’s what it is. So, it’s sort of like an ah-ha moment but a sad one for me.

My therapist suggested affirmations and I do them, nightly. But I must be honest, the routine of it has taken the spark from behind the words and they are simply ticked off a mental list as I do my nightly routine. Not to say I don’t cherish it and find it important, it’s just I’m not feeling what I am saying. 

Bae asked me later on what I am grateful for and I stated family, friends, life (which I am!) but he stopped me there. Of course I am grateful for that, he says, but what else makes your life rich and full? What smaller things are you grateful for?